For Ella, my dream-come-true of a dog,

My intuitive, delightful, loving, loving, loving, sweet to the core, powerful leader, confident, fun-loving, sassy, opinionated, most adventurous sidekick, professional nester, morning snuggle bug, and genuinely the best friend this girl could ever ask for.

This is a story about love. About all of the love that exists in every corner and crevice of my heart- which forever and always, in every universe, belongs to you.

This is also the story of your life, and what a remarkable one at that! Thank you for letting me be your Mom. It is the honor of a lifetime to be known and loved by you.

A Brief History

I am the last of 3 kids in my family. Rumor has it that before I was born my Mom wanted one more baby as well as a puppy. To which my Dad jokingly said, "choose one or the other". Of course, they got both. By the time I was born that spring, Jingles the springer spaniel, our newest puppy, had already taken up residence in our home a few months before I got here. Then there was B.J. the black lab mix who entered the scene just a few months after Jingles passed at the age of 12. B.J. was with us for 16.5 years and ended up playing a central role in my life. He had always gravitated towards my Mom the most in our family and when my Mom passed young, B.J. ultimately became a piece of her left on earth. He was my great protector and he left a forever imprint on my soul as a result. One of my favorite things about him was the velvety softness of his ears and how soothing they were to caress (knowing that detail will come in handy shortly).

The Search for Ella

I waited 3 years (the only years in my entire life I did not have a dog) when I began looking for my Ella. Unlike most folks, I did not begin the search with a list of criteria in mind. I was open to breed, age, size, gender, you name it. In fact I had only two things I was actually looking for: the right soul to match my energy and life and...maybe not a black dog. I had known from B.J. how impactful it can be when a special dog connection enters your life and that's all I was looking for. Perhaps because he had been so special, there was a very small piece of me that thought I should reserve a space for him as the only black dog I'll ever have. What a silly thought and we all know how that turned out, ha!

I searched tirelessly for Ella for 3 long months. It was like a full-time job. I went to several shelters, and even placed a few dogs on hold for 24 hours only to wake up the next morning knowing in my heart that they weren't for me. It is not easy to walk away repeatedly from dogs in these situations, (side note: please adopt, don't shop!) but I was on a mission and my heart remained open to the process.

After exhausting all of the shelters in my vicinity for months, one afternoon I decided to drive an hour and a half away to a shelter I had not yet been to. There was a 5 year old basset hound up for grabs and I had loved dog sitting for dear friend Megan Fairchild's bassets, so I thought I should inquire after him. It became apparent in minutes after meeting him, just as it had become apparent for 3 long months...once again, this was not my dog. Despite knowing that I forced myself to go stand in line at the front desk and at least ask for his papers. I remember thinking, "I drove all the way here, I mine as well read up on him", even though I already knew he wasn't mine.

As I was standing in line to get his papers, this black and white little cutie waltzed behind the front desk with one of the staff members and they escorted her back to the kennel area. Almost immediately after she was out of my sight I decided to leave the line I had been standing in to go find her. And so, I did.

I walked past rows and rows of kennels until I found hers and the only way I can describe our first interaction is that it was abundantly clear in that instant that she knew she was supposed to find me. That whole saying "who adopted who?" is something I'd seen on bumper stickers and known about in pop culture, but I'd never experienced it for myself. This time was different. She had found me and she knew it. She demonstrated that with utmost clarity and kindness in such a way that it was obvious she knew the truth about us the moment she met me, and I knew it the moment just after that.

I asked the staff if I could take her into a room to spend time with her. As she climbed onto my lap and kissed my face, my fingers felt the velvety softness of her ears and I thought to myself, “of course there would be a piece of B.J. here to greet me and to further let me know she was mine.” What a silly 20-something thought I had to even consider not wanting another black dog and to forget about the power of ancestry and soul connections and who holds us in this lifetime. Of course she was mine, and of course she was this cute little black thing with velvety soft ears just like B.J.'s. I had found my match, we had found each other.

Needless to say I didn't even put her on hold; she came home with me that exact afternoon. Funny fact, I was moving out of my apartment the next week and planning on heading up to the cottage for the summer so I did not have a landlord for the shelter to call to get approval from. Jaime Delp and family owned a house in Ann Arbor so I listed their address and name as my landlord, and Jaime took the call pretending to be my landlord, ha! However, Jaime did it in good faith because she knew I'd be a good caretaker for Ella...oh the things we do in our 20's for love! As Ella and I walked out of the shelter doors another family was entering and the little girl from that family begrudgingly said, "oh man, we were just coming to see that dog". I smiled at them and remembered thinking, "sorry, you didn't even have a chance". I had found that knowing place in my heart; the truth and power of that love and how it was about to shape my life was already abundantly clear to me in the best kind of way, from day one.

Friends close to Ella and I have described her as "an old soul, but she didn't need you to know that she already knew that about herself", "the sweetest little soul who was open and vibrant, but in a quiet way", "a dog who had the ability to read anyone's mood and what they were feeling on any given day and show up for them in a reassuring way", and "the embodiment of what every woman should be in life: confident, always ready for adventure, loving, caring, and of course the sass to match it all." Ella was a life-force all her own, she had a truly amazing spirit and the most tender of hearts. Her sweetness was palpable to anyone who encountered her. There was simply a gentle “knowing” about her, she knew herself extremely well and she had no problem letting her true colors shine because she always seemed to have deep clarity in her purpose here. She knew how to effortlessly be herself and what to place value on in her life, while simultaneously never apologizing for her strong spirit or holding back on letting you into her world. She brought so much beauty, true beauty, beauty of heart, of the earth, of friendship, to every waking hour. She wore all of these attributes and many more with utmost sincerity and ease. It was simply who she was. Put simply, we all had a thing or two (or ten million) to learn from her. How lucky for me to get a front row seat to it all.

Places Ella Explored

Ella lived in Michigan, Virginia, Texas, California, New York, and Washington. She traversed the country on too many to count cross-country road trips; exploring and adventuring with Mom and friends were true sources of joy for her! During those travels she hiked countless State and National Parks including Capitol Reef, Arches, Canyonlands, Tetons, Glacier, Crater Lake, North Cascades, Redwoods, Sleeping Bear National Lakeshore, and enjoyed hiking in just about every one of Washington's State Parks throughout her most senior years. Nature and movement were keys to her life's happiness and essential for her ability to fully thrive! She was physical right up until the end and explored the earth's bounty with abandon, exuberance, and zest. Daily hikes had to be an hour long at a minimum, hers was a body that loved to move in nature!

A Handful of Stories from the People Ella Met

It meant the world to me that Ella got to know my dear Grandma in those first few years that we had each other. My Grandma would call her “Ellie” and was always happy to have Ella jump up on the cottage couch and make herself comfortable in her home. It makes me laugh to recall the time when my Grandma said, “she was kind of reserved when you first brought her home from the shelter, I thought she was going to be a dud, but she’s not! She’s really a prize dog!” :) My Grandma and I would often take drives to sit in front of the beach at Lake Michigan and talk about life for hours. During these life chats, Ella could be found standing on the center console of the car participating in our close friendship in her own way and being one of the “ladies”. When my Grandma passed, Ella was a great comfort and helper to me, just as B.J. had been when my Mom passed.

Years ago when we lived in TX our friend who was a social worker at a state hospital was really struggling with overwhelm and stress from her job. She took a few days off and her one request during that time was to come and sit on my couch to snuggle with Ella and watch tv while I went to work. Of course, I obliged. For that week Ella worked her magic and was therapy for the therapist. Our friend would later tell me it was one of the most healing things that happened to her in the middle of a hard time. Some years later when that same friend went looking for a dog of her own, she purposely went looking for one just like Ella! What a compliment! Now she has a four-legged love of her own, a little black pitbull named Juju in honor of Ella. I think that story gives Ella rock ‘n roll hall of fame status…someone, and a social worker at that, went out looking for her first dog and was holding Ella in mind as the example of what she wanted to find. Ella was a living legend!

Many people will recall how it was a regular pastime of Ella’s to get to know every person that walked by her and how it was a daily ritual for her to cross the street and meet folks to share a moment and a tail wag with. Truly, it was one of her main purposes in life to offer her genuine kindness and care to strangers each and every time she could, which was easily multiple times a day. She absolutely loved people, greeting others and giving them a moment of acknowledgement was a high priority for her. I am not exaggerating when I say that I met at least ten new people a day, some of whom became friends in the places we lived thanks to these daily moments of zen with the public! Ella had a knack for always bringing the best people into my life. One of my close friends shared that when she thinks of Ella what first comes to mind are all the times she and I would be on the phone together while Ella and I were out for a walk and I’d say to her, “hold that thought one second, Ella needs to go say hi to someone, I’ll call you right back.” :)

In addition to people passing by, in every place we lived Ella always established special, regular connections with neighbors. We lived near a high school and she knew the students, when we lived near a nursing home, she’d always spend extra time with the residents when they’d be wheeled outside on a warm spring day, and we once lived above a children’s consignment shop in NY and the store owners were some of her best pals. Ella always loved meeting kids on walks, I can recall the time Ella and I got invited to a slumber party by one of them, as well as another instance after greeting a family of four when I overheard one of the kids say, “I hope I meet that dog again someday” as we walked away. She was a friend to everyone and a true advocate for her pitbull mix breed who often get severely misaligned by society, unduly so. Ella touched so many lives with these daily moments of zen and I had the best seat in the house because I got to see people’s faces light up as she approached them, tail wagging and a smile across her face. I would always ask, “do you mind if my dog says hello?”, typically by the time they answered Ella had already planted a very gentle kiss on their hand. I’d always tell whoever we were greeting that her name is Ella Fitzgerald, but I just call her Ella, which inevitably caused them to smile or laugh. When we parted ways a minute or so later, the individual would almost always look me in the eye and say, “thank you for that”. I don’t think I can ever explain the tenderness it always left me with, and of course I knew it left the individual with that same tenderness too. I know for me, and likely for some of them, it was often the sweetest, softest moment of a hard day.

Jenny 3.0

Ella was undoubtedly the single most healing presence I’ve been around in years and therefore she enhanced the very core of my soul to be stronger, wiser, kinder, safer, and more loving than it ever had been before. This is the utmost truth. Her presence was deeply stabilizing to me and she was a soulmate for sure.

When I first adopted Ella I was a few years into adult life having only begun navigating the repercussions of early parent loss and all that came with raising myself while simultaneously having to face the harder facts of life uncomfortably too soon. To be blunt, the confusion and sadness this all caused made me feel like I had no safe place to land. To the outer world I was my fun and happy self, but internally I was afraid to trust or lean on anyone. I was in my 20’s, but in a way, I was already a middle-aged woman who had been taking care of my teenage self for years. Hypervigilance and an overly-independent lifestyle were some of my favorite coping mechanisms. I was tired, but it often felt as if no other place or person could provide true safety ever again; loss had rocked me to my core in the worst kind of way.

Over the years of knowing and loving Ella, something gradually took place which felt like I was getting an opportunity to have a “finishing school”. I didn’t have my Mom to walk me through the rest of adolescence and into adulthood, but I had Ella’s presence beside me. Ella had superb instincts when it came to me, somehow in her magical dog way she knew how to help me through every moment and show me the ways of the world. Every day this little four-legged soul would advocate for herself and generate kindness, which allowed me to feel safe and trusting again in a way I hadn’t felt in years. I started to feel grounded and at home with her; she restored me in a way I don’t think any human ever could: the more I cared for her, the more I began to feel safe enough to care for myself in a less hypervigilant and overly-independent way. The warmth of her presence permeated into every space we shared and ultimately held my most wounded parts in a gentle embrace until they could let their guard down. The more comfortable she was, the more comfortable I became. The more confidence and self-assuredness she genuinely displayed, the more I followed suit. Her never ending well of sweetness only amplified mine. It was as if each day we made each other's spirits shine just a little bit brighter than the day before and together we were a team. In essence, she taught me how to parent myself wholeheartedly when there was no Mom to show me how. For this I owe her my never-ending gratitude.

A Brief Note on Ella’s 3 Year Journey and Why Veterinarians Are the Best People Around

Three years before Ella passed she all but diagnosed herself with very early stage cancer. I suppose it could have been pure luck, but looking back on it all, it’s almost as if she knew what was up and she was smart enough to alert her human helpers. Thankfully, her communication skills were stellar and we were attuned to each other. As a result, I was able to get her help quickly.

Because the nature of her diagnosis was drastically earlier than the average patient, I ended up seeking out a few specialists who could guide her care and make it as individual as possible to her unique situation. Many of the specialists we encountered asked me to keep them informed on Ella’s situation and she became an opportunity to learn from given the uniqueness of her case. For 3 years my inbox was overflowing with emails from specialists around the country as we all pieced together what to do next for Ella, who rarely had many examples to follow.

There were several incredible veterinarians who helped us along the way, but I would like to extend a special acknowledgement for the extraordinary folks who were in the inner circle of Ella’s care team all those years: Dr. Debbie Knapp and Lindsey Fourez, Dr. Amanda Sorenson, Dr. Donna Raditic, and Dr. Milan Milovancev. Every interaction with them was humbling and acted like a reassuring balm; they did a truly remarkable job holding up a flashlight in the dark and guiding next steps and decisions with unconditional care and mercy, time and time again. In short, please thank a veterinarian every chance you can. Their jobs are not easy and their level of care and commitment is unmatched. The world is a better place because these people are in it. If anyone wishes to donate in honor of Ella, please consider a gift to Purdue University Veterinary Bladder Cancer Research Fund, we would be most grateful and I can guarantee it is money well spent.

Over the course of those 3 years Ella underwent several different kinds of treatments while also maintaining a truly fantastic quality of life. I followed her lead at every turn, and she amazed us all at how beautifully she lived in the face of all of the nonsense and appointments that came with a diagnosis like this. One of the vets we worked with shared that “she was a great pup who trusted her caregivers” and Ella's favorite Dr. Sorenson said, “she had 3 years of amazing life after diagnosis- better than most dogs who don’t have cancer! And she had so much and gave so much love and joy in her life- it was truly a big life!”. To say I am proud is an understatement, she rocked it all and lived her life the only way she knew how, with zest and joy. An extra thanks and shoutout to Leah, Laney, Teresa, Sophia, Mikila and Mikayla for your extra love during these years.

Thank You

My sweet Ella, you were the soft edge to every hard day and consistently the brightest and best spot of all of our days together. I never knew before how much a simple walk with you could turn my perspective around in the most welcoming of ways. You were my safe haven and the place of complete and total rest for my spirit. Your soul is pure magic to me; your endearing kindness, peace, and strength of self will forever give me hope.

This is the first time in my life I’ve been grateful my Mom and Grandma have already passed because I know they were there to greet you. There are no more trusting or loving people I could choose to accompany you and properly care for you, until we meet again. I know you are here beside me, and I’ve loved my “soul visits” from you. ALOHA! (For anyone who wants to know the story behind that, just ask! :)

Ella, thank you for loving and caring for me for all these years. I think we get to know ourselves because of those who love us the most and you taught me just how much love I have inside of me- it’s a lot! Every day with you was an opportunity to see the full potential of that love on display because you made it come to life! What a gift. Your life will always remind me of what is truly important because our time together lives on in purpose and meaning at the forefront of my own life, forever. Have fun running on the beach and hiking in the woods with the best two humans I’ve ever known. I love you forever and always, and I’m beyond grateful you were and forever will be mine.

With all my heart and soul and utmost gratitude,

Jenny