CEDARS ROYAL GIFT Lost my girl two weeks ago. I’m the kind of person who needs to let things simmer for a while sometimes. Gotta get all those thoughts and emotions cohesive, it’s hard to catch all those feelings flying around at a time like that. Some people cry it out (of course I did) some people hug it out, I tend to write it out. When big things happen, i turn to paper. And these things take time because my eyes get blurry reliving it as I write. When Roy came to me, I was in a place where I was ready to recapture some of my youthful passions. I had my two children, a husband, a home, and a career, and was settled. It was definitely love at first sight with her. She came gliding out of the barn and it was like a lightning bolt, a ray of sunshine. I looked around at others, but she captured me. My husband at the time could see it and agreed it was her I needed and he helped me find the way. Don’t get the wrong idea about this horse. She wasn’t the “greatest horse” that ever lived. She was absolutely gorgeous, very athletic and talented, great blood lines. Honestly, she was totally out of my league at that time as to what she had to offer. The thing about Roy is that she did not share my adoration. She was kind of indifferent to me. She hurt me physically (still have a permanent ligament tear) and she hurt my feelings. But I looooooved her. She wasn’t a snuggly sweet cuddle buddy. I treated her like a queen. She gave no shits. My husband used to say when I’d come in from the barn in the evening, “Does the princess have her mint on her pillow?” Of course she does! What Roy did was pull the curtain back on who I was and what my life was supposed to be. I always loved horses, but having a horse and living a horse life is different. It’s all consuming and enveloping. It’s like people who have an uber talent like music. Take it away and you can’t really breathe as well anymore. Horses are a sport, the original extreme sport, watch a cross country competition. It’s hair on fire, balls to the wall, succeed or die… sort of. But they are a sport that loves you back. Impossible to explain what you get from a symbiotic loving partnership with a 1200 pound animal whose nature is to know they are prey and you are predator. All the things I went through in the 25 year relationship I had with Roy, the merry go round of emotions; fear, frustration, absolute devotion, my unworthiness of her gifts revealed to me I was born for this. Could I live without horses in my life? Sure. But where would the meaning be? These are the things that Roy showed me. My life is designed around horses. I live in a remote area and my days are mostly filled with taking care of them and the property that supports them. And it’s grand. I have elk and deer accompany me most days doing my chores. The Stewart Mountains stare at me from across the valley all day until they turn pink and blue and disappear until morning. Tons of work? Of course. Days I don’t want to get up and go outside in the snow, rain, wind, 105 degrees? Yep. Do I wish I could just go on vacation whenever I wanted to without having to find a farm sitter? You bet. But I’m driven to it. IT’S WHO I AM. To say it’s a “lifestyle,” to say it’s a “passion” seems like a trivial description. Roy showed me that. A few years into our journey she gifted me with the second horse love of my life. Cedars Washington Apple. I call her Dumpling. She is that cuddle bunny that loves me to death. Roy was a great mom and let me get close and intimate with Apple from the beginning. I was worried she might not. Roy informed me a few years ago in no uncertain terms, she was RETIRED. So she has been lingering as a doddering, fussy old lady for the last few years. I watched her start to waste away; eyes cloud over, stiff, walking head low. Tried all the stuff; teeth, body work, chiropractic, supplements. There comes a point when you realize they will not recover from old age. My place is remote, at the top of a hill, and covered in snow most of the winter. I have to plow my long and winding driveway to be able to get out when it snows. UPS stops delivering in the winter. Surprisingly vets are not plentiful and readily available around here. What if something were to happen to my girl in those conditions? So I had to think with my head and have a firm conversation with my heart. I truly believe it is my duty to assist all my animals with their next journey. It’s what I agreed to. It’s what I signed up for. Oh, the guilt, the second guessing is palpable. So I was there for her last heartbeat. A horse is a big animal and takes the air right out of you when the end is there in front of you. She is buried at my home curled up sleeping in her forever bed just like the sketch of “Baby Roy”. The end is the beginning again. Thank you, Cedars Royal Gift.